Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Raw Emotion

I want to rage, I want to make a searing blog post that will destroy nations and leave me atop a pile of ruins happy with all my achievements and content with all the bullshit I'm feeling at this moment.

I know nothing can bring that satisfaction and release however, so I'm left here wallowing in a pit of WTF? garnished with just a pinch of "FUCK YOU!!"

It's difficult to judge the sincerity of people these days, hard to be honest, it's incredibly hard to allow myself to trust anyone at their word as I've been repeatedly stabbed in the back since March. Starting with a short term crew leader that lacked the balls to approach someone less than half his age about a conflict and resentment he was harboring for me and ending with unnamed folks going above my head and complaining about my work ethics and attitude without ONCE approaching me in any formal or serious manner to discuss ways in which I could improve as both a person and as a co-worker. Throw in a seriously unprofessional handling of an online video situation somewhere in the middle there and you've got my last 2 months in a nutshell.

It's difficult to be motivated to even think about getting up everyday for the next 2.5 months and going to work with people whom to my face act as if their is no conflict, but behind my back and in secret they harbor resentment and frustration for me. Who would ever want to work in an environment where everyone is suspect, no one can be taken for their word because all along that word has been falsehoods and lies. My motivation has shifted in one afternoon from service to my fellow man to a desperate desire to finish my commitment to Ameri-Corps so that I'll have SOMETHING to show for my time here aside from emotional scarring. If I hadn't already invested 1500 hours and 9 months time here I'd leave tomorrow, pack up my things and be done.

Of course I'm overreacting a touch, and the emotions are still to raw to handle, but if given the choice today I'd take the first ride out of here and not look back.

For anyone concerned, I found my camera, it'd slipped from my pocket in the back seat of someones car, so have no fear, videos will resume at their regularly scheduled time.

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